I sense the waters of my unconscious rising…
This has happened before
Often subtly
Rarely drastically
This rising tide and a partial unravelling of routines
A puddle of chaos
The downside is that it’s made coherent writing harder
There are upsides too.
There is chance and change in the chaos
I’ve seen them enough to know that when they come knocking at my door, my best bet is to welcome them in an embrace
Maybe I’ll get to swim
Maybe I’ll float or dive
Or drown and live underwater a while
All are potentially fun
Does This Happen To You?
Times when the world unravels a little
You unravel a little
The things that mattered yesterday, don’t seem to, as much
The certainties of everyday don’t feel as solid
You sense the realities underlying overlying entangling this reality a little more
And the world feels a wee bit more like it does in trance - fluider, fuzzier and comfortably contradictory
Sort of like this:
I Learned The Hard Way To Go With The Flow
I used to fight for order
Impose my will on my unconscious waters
The problem is that it works.
It works and works and works
and then it backfires 💥
I don’t know if this is universal, but in my culture, there’s this story myth understanding that man can control nature all he wants.
Earth-nature accepts patiently. But once she’s had enough, she topples his world in an instant.
I think it’s also our conscious-unconscious dynamic.
Better not test my unconscious and push her over the edge
The toppling is pretty disorienting
I have been toppled before 😬
And while I’m grateful for all that it led to, I’d rather be tilted than toppled.
So now, I go with the flow 🌊
It’s scary because it’s the unknown. But the more I do it, the more I trust
Everything that connects me to my unconscious, comforts me in the letting go.
Self-hypnosis meditation yoga writing nature art
Creativity intuition play
Connection touch movement
But in the end, it’s practice.
Each time I let go and good happens, the next time I give in easier.
And this time, I looked forward to it.
This time I crossed that bridge from fear to excitement.
I felt something stirring and thought ‘Wow’ ‘Now comes something I do not know’
And I did not feel that clawing need to know.
Looking back, I’ve felt this need to unravel a few times in my life
Those were the bigger, obvious waves.
But now that I notice, I know there are many more subtler waves too. Like this one. Where there’s no urgent, overwhelming chaos, but a calling for a little disorder.
A tiny vortex of vulnerability.
Most of those times in the past, I fought. And as I said, I won and won and lost.
In the big picture, the wins weren’t really worth it. The losses were.
Then I had to let go for nearly the entirety of my pregnancy because I had this huge brain fog. And then came early motherhood with all its chaotic wilderness.
That’s my longest, involuntary letting go.
And that’s changed my life. For better.
So, now I know with a little more conviction
that this is natural
and what I need from time to time.
And that it’s best to give in.
What about you? Do you feel them too? An invitation to unravel a little that finds you once in a while? Do you roll with them?
"A puddle of chaos" ooh
the letting go never gets easier huh?